by Lavona Leach
How do you know?
How do you possibly know?
How could you even begin to fathom where I want to go?
This place…
No one could know…
Well, maybe one person could.
He could’ve.
If I could have told him.
If I could have let the words form.
If I could have fathomed where he would be going soon.
Now I do
Now I see
I can now fathom where he went.
Years ago.
September 30, 2016.
How I was I supposed to know?
I was so young…
I’ve grown a lot.
I wonder if he would be proud of me…
If he saw me leaning over this paper…
If he could see how I look.
If he could see the tears.
If he could see the tiredness.
If only I could have said goodbye.
Only three years until I will be 19, just like he was.
19.
How young…
He didn’t deserve that.
They shouldn’t have hurt him.
Why did they hurt him?
He was so sweet
So kind
So loving
So much all in one person
He was what I had needed.
He was my inspiration.
Should I have looked up to him?
Should I have gotten attached?
Why did he go?
He could have stayed home.
He could have stayed home…
I was home.
Why couldn’t I stop him?
Why didn’t I make him stay…
Oh Bub..
Why?
How I wander looking for another brother like you.
I thought I did.
I found someone who fits almost perfectly.
But
He doesn’t get it.
He doesn’t like me.
He absolutely hates me.
I just want you back.
It’s been six years.
Six
I still can’t find out how to make it stop.
The pain.
The tears.
The searching.
Why?
Why.
If you were really supposed to be my big brother…
Why leave me?
Why?
It hurts…
I just want you back.
Come Back.